Book of Judgment

BOOK OF JUDGMENT

 

The Book of Judgment happens between January 2010 and August 2010. The story begins after Shannon left Ryan’s life and is helped through Mary. Mary was a vast improvement over Shannon in the eyes of Ryan. Like the beginning of the first chapter, the beginning of this chapter of the book talks about how one part of Ryan’s life is going downhill and he needs to find an avenue out. He finds it in Mary.

 

The first part of the story talks about the struggles that Ryan faces with the end of the time that he spent with Shannon. The second part of the story talks about his experiences with Mary and the continued buildup of his foundation.

 

The final part of the chapter talks about his summer lull in preparation for Kelly. This chapter serves as a bridge between his time with Shannon and his time with Kelly. Both of the stories end the same way, but they happen under very different circumstances. It talks about the continual maturity of Ryan Hite in preparation for some of his greater challenges.

 

ENTRY 8: CONTINUED INTERFERENCE DECEMBER 2009

 

My time with Shannon was marred with interference with other people. This is a theme in my life. Many of the things that I went through in life that resulted in some very bad times happened because of something that was completely out of my control and out of the control of the people that I interacted with and were friends with. Much of the interference that happened as a result of those experiences happened because of the friends of Shannon that were angry at me for the things that I supposedly did to her. High school, in easy terms, was a bitch to me.

The biggest interference that happened in my life was with a group of people that associated with Shannon for many years through high school. It was not something that I enjoyed at all and it turns out that Shannon felt just as bad. It was because of their mindset and my mindset being at odds with one another. Here is what happened in short form. I thought that these people were bad and I was good. I did not enjoy the fact that she associated with those people because of the personality that I knew she had at the time. On the other hand, Shannon’s friends that she associated with thought that I was the bad person and they were only partially right. I was the one who was at fault, but I called them out on their faults and that pissed them off immensely.

Many of those people were on the hockey team. I attempted to mediate with them, go against them, and ignore them, but it was all for naught. It was a hard semester for me because of those experiences and I was called out on my failings many times. I felt like only part of the story was being told at that point and I want the world to know of my side of the story.

This was what I went through. I was in love with someone who was not in love with me. Things broke off before I was ready to break it off. I believe in second chances and I believe in giving everyone a chance. I am not in the power that I was in at the time to speak my mind on these things and the things that were told to you were only part of the story and the problems and care went deeper than you will ever know. It was not my intention to hurt. I was and always will be in a better position than you. I will not and should not ever stoop to the levels that you went to.

I was not able to express my feelings. I did not know what to do at the time and it is clear to me now that I would not be able to get her back after many months. Shannon and I were at some point in time on equal terms and in some sort of agreement, but the people that were around me and her did not know of the underlying issues, and that raises some important points that I want to tell the world.

The most important thing is that you should not take all situations at face value. Things are more complicated in the lives of other people that what they tell you. Better statement here is that you should not get involved in the business of others. I made mistakes and I hurt people, but that does not give anyone else the right to make it their business too. Yes, I was in high school at the time and the drama starts up all the time, but bringing up drama is never ever a good thing.

The other important thing is specifically for the people who are directly involved in the conflict. You need to talk about your problems to the people who are directly involved with and it is the problem of the people that are involved with directly. Talking things through and listening to the feelings of each of the people involved and understanding the other side of the story fully will make the world a better place. The source of all drama starts with the people who are directly involved.

I was left with a bad reputation because of the mistakes that I made in regards to Shannon and her friends made it worse because they did not have the full story of a situation that they would not be able to understand. I was also not able to express my full feelings and I felt like I was not listening to the situation myself very well. It was something that was hard for me to get over because a bad situation for me was made worse with the drama and the conflict was dragged out further.

There were many of these reports in my first semester at a new school. At the time, the problems were a great pain for me and it was only resolved at the end of the semester when I was fully able to move on. The damage in that time was done, though, and I was able to move on because someone replaced Shannon in my heart and became the new focus on my life. The full story was never told and it is no longer relevant. I wanted to use it as an example so that other people would not fall into the same trap.

Interfering in the life of another person is not good. It is really none of your business to know the business of others, even if it is for the protection of the people that you care about. It is not in the best interests of the people of either side. Any conflict should be between two people and you should not get involved unless you are asked to. The people that made the situation worse were the people that should not be involved at all and it affected myself and her in a very negative way. The moral of this story is that you should never involve yourself in conflicts that you should not be involved in.

 

ENTRY 9: THE AGGRESSORS DECEMBER 2009

 

When I was being attacked for something that the people around me did not understand to a large extent, I felt like I forgot what was true. I forgot that I was being misunderstood. I forgot that the people who supposedly instigated it did not mean to hurt me. I felt like I was being attacked and I reacted in a way that caused me to forget that I forgot what was the intention of these things. I did not understand that they did not understand fully and that caused me to react negatively to them and to the person that I thought instigated it. I felt some negative emotions and I attacked the person that I once loved. It seemed like I reacted to the lack of love with hate. I was not loved and I was not hated, but I was also very hated by the people that did not understand the love.

This is a continuation of the attacks I endured my fall semester of my junior year of high school immediately after the end of the era with Shannon. I went to a school that she had left for a time and I did not understand what I was doing wrong. I was still learning about the conflicting feelings of love and hate and I did not understand how to react to the love and the hate that was coming my way. I knew that she still cared for me and that she was trying to teach me something in the end. Unfortunately, I was also attacked very aggressively psychologically by the people that she associated with that I thought were worse than me. They very well may have been, but I did not understand that I was also worse than they were at the time in some areas.

I was actually the one who was in the wrong some of the time, but the attacks against me were not because of the people that I hurt. The aggressors are the ones that attacked me and made the drama worse because of the story that they had. They did not have enough information to make an informed decision and they set out to make a bad situation even worse, despite the fact that they meant good on the part of the one that they love. Unfortunately, I loved her too and I thought that it was her attacking me.

It was only later that I realized that she felt bad too. I went on the offensive up until then and attacked her directly. I was not mad at the people that were mad at me. I was mad at the person that I thought started it. That made the entire situation even worse. I want to take the battle that I had between myself and Shannon with her friends that attacked me in the middle. The battles that I endured is something that I see all too often in this society and it is something that I want all people to avoid.

The most important thing that I can tell the people is to learn the entire truth. I want people to be more honest and frank with one another and I want people to know all sides of the story. I want people to have the opportunity to learn by my example and I want people to have more authenticity. Drama is not good for many people. Even for the people that think it is good, it really causes all the problems and has no good come out of it. It is really a terrible thing and it is something that I had a taste of many times.

Before this time, I did not have as much drama in my life. I wanted to matter to someone. I knew that Shannon thought good of me in the beginning. I did not know that she still cared about me after things went sour and she still cares about me to this day. The real problems for me and for her were from the people that made a bad situation even worse. I did make many mistakes, but I did not know how to feel or what to do half the time. I wanted people to be happy, but I felt like there were some people that did not want me to be happy.

There are some people that exist in this world to make other people unhappy. It is not worth it for any party to be unhappy. I thought that Shannon wanted me to be unhappy and I thought that I deserved it because of the fact that I thought that I made her unhappy. It was this that made my time even worse. I felt so low when I was in a very vulnerable time in my life. I did make mistakes and I did not live up to my own expectations, but I wish that it had gone differently.

On the other hand, it was not because of Shannon that I was unhappy. It was because of misunderstanding that I was unhappy. It was this that caused me to lose sight of the truth when it was happening. I was attacking the person that I thought was instigating it. I was attacking the wrong person. I thought that these people that were attacking me were in the middle, but they were actually on the opposite side of me. I thought that it was a battle between Shannon and I, but it was a battle between her friends and I. When her friends started to attack me, she went to my side.

The changing moment for me was when her boyfriend at the time verbally attacked me. It was a turning point in all of it. Up to that time, we had just patched things up and we were on good terms, but her boyfriend was the last one in a long line of people that attacked me for something that they did not understand and it is something that they will never understand.

ENTRY 10: THE ARRIVAL OF MARY JANUARY 2010

 

Mary came into my life at a time when I was still in love with Shannon and very depressed at what was going on between us. I retaliated against her for the things that she seemed to have been saying to other people. Those people came out and made my life worse and I took it out on the wrong person, which made things worse in turn. It was not an easy time in my life, but then again, it is never easy losing your first love. It did, however, make it surprisingly easy for me to slip into a new person.

Like Shannon, Mary spent a lot of time in the same group, she was actually in the same school that I was in, and she had a similar personality. I knew that I had another chance at a new person and I turned a new leaf. We started to get really close at the end of my first semester at my new school and it was also at this time that the attacks on Shannon stopped. I was still incredibly angry, not knowing that she was just as mad at her friends as I was mad. Things were starting to look up for me after many months of what seemed like torture for me.

For me, Mary immediately became the center of my attention and it would be her that would help me to get over someone and move on. I had never had these feelings before and I did not know how people got over the ones they used to love. It looks easy for some people, but I loved people with a sort of authenticity that I would not want to let someone go because of a few mistakes. I believe in giving people every chance that they deserve and I never know how the people I meet with and fall in love with will help me. I was immediately helped out by this young lady because she helped me to get over the first. It was through her that I also learned many important lessons about life that I still carry to this day. She did not leave a lasting impact on my life immediately, but her influence is well thought of in my life and the lessons that I use time and time again come about because of her and the time that I was able to spend with her.

We initially met at a high school dance in the fall and we had been talking for many months since that point in time to the end of the semester. I would shift my focus from one person to another person while dealing with the continue ridicule. After I had completely shifted my focus from Shannon to her, the hatred and the drama stopped for me, at least for the time being, and I was happy again. It was this alone that merits her among the greatest of friends that I had.

She would teach me many other lessons as well. The most important thing that she taught me was through an incident that I had involving her very early on in the second semester. It would be that incident that would teach me the virtue of temperance in my life. It also taught me that I should not judge those I love on standards that I set for myself. I was better than she was at some things and she was better than me at other things. I would learn many things from her and I hope that she was able to learn things from me.

Another lesson that she taught me was the fact that I should not put myself down. Sure, I was pretty down after being woefully rejected by Shannon and the attacks from her friends after the fact and that affected my self-esteem throughout the friendship that I had with Mary. If it was not me that ended the friendship, it was the low self-esteem I still suffered from that ended it. It was not attractive to her and it was not her fault. I learned that I am not quite as bad as I thought I was. I am not as bad as I think I am. I am a human being and I will make mistakes like the rest of the people do, but my mistakes will not be the same as the mistakes of other people. For all the bad memories that I had in my experiences with Mary, the positive things and the good lessons that I was able to get out of those experiences would be things that I carry with me to this day. It is not a matter of who the person is and what you lost, but it is about the here and now. Take what you have now to the fullest extent possible.

The arrival of the second helped me to get over the first. That was a good thing for me. She did not last as long and she did not have as much of an influence on my life as Shannon, but she still taught me some important things about life and the way I treated myself and others. It was still a good experience because I take the most out of the positive experiences that I have. It was a good experience that I would do again.

She also taught me a lesson on the importance of keeping the private things private. My life may be getting ever more public, but I know that not all of the people that I interact with and become friends with want to be public figures. I want the world to know that I will only be talking about the experiences that I am having with these people in the context of my mind and eyes. I think that it is important to teach the world these lessons that I learned through the experiences that I had with these people and I think that it makes the lessons more authentic. I will not reveal anything else about the people that I interacted with over the course of my life, and I think that it is an important lesson in if itself. Do not create drama and do not reveal information that they do not want to be revealed.

 

ENTRY 11: THE INTERCESSION AND THE DEFEAT JANUARY 2010

 

The most important thing that Mary did to contribute to the overall progression of my life would be that she helped me to get over Shannon. It was very hard for me because of the overwhelming support and love that she contributed to my life and I knew that it would take a lot to match it. Shannon is still unmatched in the contribution she made to my life, but the love that she had waned. For a long time, though, my side of the love was still strong and it became too much for the people that were around me and around her.

Essentially, what happened was that I overstayed my visit. She was ready to move on, she moved on, but I was not ready to do the same. What made things worse for me was that her friends started to get involved by her admission and it was very one sided. Nobody was happy with that either and they had shown me their true character, a character that I stooped to in order to get back at them. I thought that stooping to their level would also help me to win Shannon back, and that was unsuccessful too.

Mary would change my focus. All of my focus for many months of my life was on one person whether they liked it or not. In that time, she managed to change the entire course of my life. I would not have gone through with what would have been the beginning of my journey had it not been for her. It was very hard to let her go because of the immense contribution that she made to my life. I felt that my time with her was not done because I felt that I was not sufficient in repaying Shannon for all that she had done for me. I would later figure out that I contributed a lot to her understanding as well. I learned through that process that it is not always what is done in the here and now, but what can be done down the road and what you learn later on as well. I would see this with the next person that came into my life and replaced Shannon in my focus. It would be later on, after we had parted ways that I would get something out of the relationship that I had for a short time with Mary.

The most important contribution being her replacement of Shannon in my heart caused good things to come to my life for the first time in a long time. The people that once tormented me died down and stopped, mainly because I had stopped with my relentless pursuit of Shannon. It was also caused by her increased understanding of the damage that the people around her had done to my self-esteem. This loss of self-esteem would prove damaging to the relationship I tried to forge in the future on my end. I had to get over Shannon, though, and Mary was the answer to the prayers of many people.

I would have some sort of intervention in my life that would at least bring me back to an even headed playing field, even if that did not result in my full restoration. Mary was not around long enough to have such an impact on my life, but she did teach me important things about the cycle of life and friends by just going through it with me without much of the drama that was associated with my time with Shannon. It would help me to understand my nature and the nature of my friendships.

The one thing that I did not have any of and that I wish I possessed was the gift of some measure of self-esteem. I wish that I was a little more to give her because of the things that I did not realize that she had given to me to advance the process of my own life. This was and still is one of those times where I knew that I should have done more to make her life better as well. I would also go into some sort of lull leading up to the entrance of Kelly into my life, but it would be Mary in the middle of all that which would help me to get rid of the baggage of the past in order to look to the future.

I did not know how to handle the lack of drama in my life. I wanted some measure of normalcy in my life and not only did I realize that I was not really fit for that type of life, but that the type of life that I was searching for was not fit for me. I was trying to get out of the phase of being somebody that I was not in the months leading up to Shannon and the beginning of my journey, but I did not know that the process of trying to win Shannon back after things fell apart would lead me down a path that would cause me to lose sight of what I truly was and to try and be somebody that I was not. With Mary, I was not fully aware of who I was, but I was not shy in being honest with myself and with her. I truly felt like I was not good enough for her.

In the process of going through the rise and fall of the relationship that I had for a short time with Mary, she may have well saved my life as I knew it. I do not know where I would have been to this day without her help and her complete intercession on my life. She helped me to defeat the enemies around me, but she could not help me with defeating the enemy within. The enemy within is the true enemy of my life and it would take many years for me to vanquish that enemy, at least for a time. You are your best friend and your worst critic.

 

ENTRY 12: THE UNDERDOG AND TRUE FRIENDSHIP JANUARY 2010

 

Throughout my social life, I have been on the outside of all the friendships I have had. Over many years, I have not been the one in control of the nature and direction of the friendships I have been involved in. My thoughts were never in consideration and many people left my life because of the lack of experience and wisdom on my part. I never had a say in it and there have been many people as a result who saw me more for the negatives than the positives.

This trend was more obvious to some than they are to others. In either case, I was never in control of the fall of the friendship because of the way that friendships work in the world.

In the cycle of a friendship, there are four distinct parts. There is the initial meeting, which takes place in the beginning and involves the meeting of two people. There is the rise, which happens immediately after the initial meeting and involves people getting to know one another. There is the peak, which is the point in which the nature of the friendships is at their peak. There is the fall, which is the period in time in which the friendship loses steam and dies. This cycle happens whether one is friends for a day or for a decade.

The timing of these parts of the cycle has never been in my control up until 2012. I was always on the reactionary side to the fall of the friendship. Usually, the fall of the friendship is one sided and the other side will do anything to not cause it to happen. It is always hard for someone to let go of a good friendship. This is the hardest part of my experiences. Although I always had great friends, some things happened in my life that caused me to understand what I did wrong and caused me to lose that friend in the process. It was good in many ways, but it was also hard for me. In the end, however, their leaving my life was a sign of being a true friend.

When I was with Shannon, I clearly saw my position, especially as the friendship died and I my control slipped away from me. I did not know why the friendship was dying at the time and I did everything that I possibly could to make it continue. I gave in after a long time and a hard conflict. It was a matter of pride, not a matter of what I truly needed. Shannon provided a good and strong foundation without which I would base my entire journey off of. I did not understand why it had to end, but I realize now why things happened in that way. She was a true friend in that when leaving my life, she did it for my own good. I did not see it in that way at the time, but now I understand why it happened, how it happened, and why it could have been one of the better things to happen to me and to her.

Mary would provide a different dynamic to the friendship. Mary did not have the intuition that Shannon did and there were many flaws to the fall of that friendship that I did not experience with Shannon. I would see this friendship and all the friendships after this in a different light than the first one. All of the friendships that I had leave me after Shannon would have just as much ego involved on one side than the other side.

An underdog is an individual who is expected to lose in a battle. It is someone with flaws that faces someone in a better position. I saw myself as an underdog in the friendships that I was involved in. In each of these relationships, I was not expected to win in the fight to get what I desired most in life compared to what the other person wanted. I tended to be the one that never got what I wanted in my journey, with very few exceptions. I was always the one that lost in the end and I was never thought of in situations that I was involved in. It was always the other person who initiated the end of the friendship and was thought of in decision making processes. I went through a lot over the course of a few years because of the mistakes I made and my position as the underdog in these situations.

Being an underdog has taught me about what being a true friend means. The difference between all of the people that I had friendships with was in their interactions with me was their true intentions with leaving my life. Many of them left because of their ego. Many left because they didn’t have to deal with me anymore. Many left because they didn’t like my direction in life. Many left because they did not have to see me. Many left because our relations became strained due to both of our differences. There were some, however, that left because they thought about me and how my life would be improved because of the exit. I did not see it like that at the time, but I saw that it was worth it in the future.

Sometimes, it is okay to feel like the underdog in the situation that you are placed in. Sometimes it is okay to not be in complete control. Sometimes, you should be hurt so that you can be helped. Criticism comes when you need to be helped. People are not out to hurt you if they are truly your friend. True friends leave your life so that you are able to learn from your mistakes and move on. Being in a position of not being in control and having someone who looks out for your best interests and supports you, even if that means you have to lose what you desire, is sometimes the best thing that can happen to you. When I was with the people that I was with, I always looked for the reasons and determined if it was best for me or if it was not. Sometimes they are and sometimes they are not, and that is what separates the true friends from the false friends.

ENTRY 13: LEARNING OF EVIL FEBRUARY 2010

 

Over the course of your life, you will face the evil of the world. This great evil is something that affects all of us and they take advantage of the things that we are weakest at. They are also catered to our unique weaknesses. Learning of this great evil in the world made my life better and it will make your life better as well. The context of the evil, the people and experiences involved, and the ways to get through it are important for all of us to understand. When people are faced with the evil of the world, they take the permanent and easy road out to such a temporary situation.

I learned of the evils of the world when it came after me after Shannon left my life. I was attacked and made fun of by many of the people that were associated with Shannon. I did not know that she was not behind it and I fought the evil with some measure of evil on my own terms. The evil came to me and I did not know why. I thought that I was a good person and that I was better than the people that were associated with Shannon.

Many people go through life and they face the evils of the world. People will either ignore the evils of the world or let it pass by without looking at it. The other option for many people is to end their life and bring about a permanent solution to a temporary problem. I thought that the problem was permanent and I thought of suicide many times. I did not think that the problems would ever end. I thought that the evils of the world would never go away and it was not until it was over that I went back and reflected on my life.

In the end, the evils of the world will end. The good times will always come again. There will be bad times now but it will become good later. Everything in life is temporary. Life itself is temporary. Why would so many people come to permanent solutions to a problem that is temporary? People think that the temporary things are permanent and that permanent things are temporary. That is what the things of the world want you to think. The world wants you to act in a way that is contrary to the things of the heavens.

I will go on as well. You should go on too. If you fail at one thing, you will not fail in life. Sometimes you will succeed and sometimes you will fail. That is what life is like. Life is full of these opposites and life is full of both sides of many of those spectrums. The world wants you to think that these opposites are black and white. Life and society is full of grey areas between the black and white. There are no people in the world and no places in society that are completely black or white. We need to think of life in the same terms.

Evil is everywhere in the world. The world is full of evil and it came about as a result of the rise of society. There are a few people in the world who have the knowledge of the way the world is and there are many people in the world who do not know. The people of the few will keep the truth away from the people of the many. The people of the world think that they are getting the truth, but the people of the world are getting only what the people at the top tell them.

There are some people that want all the people of the world to know of the truth. Those people are called the Christs. The Christs were killed by the people at the top and the teachings of the Christs were shrouded in the mysteries of the doctrine, dogma, rites, and rituals of religions. All the other institutions act in the same way. The people of the world do not know that they have the power to govern their own life. That is the great tragedy of the world.

We have the power to change our life. We do not need to submit to anyone but ourselves. We are in control of our own destiny. We will all get to the same ends. We are all human and we will all die eventually. It is just the way things are in the world. We should not decide when that happens and we should not do it because life gets bad. Life will get bad for all people many times in their life. I see the bad things of the world as a bump and a way to learn about what I did wrong.

Take the bad things in life and learn about the lessons that you can take from those experiences and those people. All of the people that you interact with and all of the experiences that you have in your life will determine who you are and the direction that your life will go. The evil things of the world will allow you to learn lessons that you would otherwise not be able to get. I have learned some very important lessons in my life through the bad experiences that I had. The impact that some people made on my life were better for me when times were tough.

Everybody will have different lives. We are all unique and we will all have different people in our life and different experiences. Those people and those experiences will allow us to discover the same lessons at different times in our life and in different contexts. The people that were in my life in the past are influencing other people and are being influenced by other people, but we should not forget those lessons and we should not give in when times get tough for us. Life is guaranteed to not be easy all the time, but we should not make it harder for ourselves than it already is.

ENTRY 14: THE BIRTH AND RISE OF ANOTHER ONE APRIL 2010

 

In the fall of 2009, I was still reeling over the loss of Shannon in my life and the subsequent problems that I had with the people that I once loved. I was angry at them for making me feel abandoned and having her friends hate me and call me out on the mistakes that I made. I did not think that these bad times would end and I still thought that Shannon was the first and the last. It was the first cycle that I went through in life and it was not until this time that I started to understand that these cycles would continue.

It was approaching the late fall and I did not know what to do or where to turn. I felt like the whole world was against me and all the people of the world were against me. All of Shannon’s friends were against me and I attacked her thinking that she was behind all of it. She was happy from my point of view and I was not. I wanted some of that happiness but I did not have anyone in my life that was better than Shannon was. It changed when Mary approached my life.

Mary remains an important friend to me because of the most important lesson that she taught me. I was stuck on one person and in one cycle and I thought that the cycle that I was in was going to be the only cycle. Shannon was such a large part of my life for so long that I could not have fathomed my life after her. It seems silly to me now, but this is what I thought at the time. It was Mary that gave me an avenue to get out of the cycle that I was in and to change my focus.

It was also really through Mary that I was able to learn some things about friendship in a way that was more comfortable to me. Shannon did not teach me much about this because of her attitude to me compared to Mary. Although the friendship did not last a long time, it was long enough for me to understand what I did wrong the first time and it allowed me to understand friendships and relationships better, making it easier for me in the future to implement what I learned and to avoid the things that I did wrong.

I was reborn through her influence on my life. It was after she came through that the evil of the friends of Shannon were exposed and it really proved to me that I was still the better person. It also helped me to recognize that I made mistakes in my life and that I needed to get over them and move on. It was also a realization that I should have done what I did in leaving Shannon months ago so that the damage would not have been so hard for me. Unfortunately for me, the damage that was done to me affected the way I felt for months to come.

While I was with Mary, my self-esteem was nearly destroyed and she was unable to recover it for me. I felt like I was not good enough for anyone and it really affected the way that I treated her and acted around her. She was not as receptive to me because of the things that happened in the past and the fact that I was unable to bring myself up enough to really want to have her around all the time. Her personality was also much different and I found it hard to really interact with her well.

Although the time was short and she did not hold up well to the way that Shannon changed my life, Mary did contribute a good cap to the foundation that I had built up over time. It was through her that I was able to better understand the things that I had been taught and allowed me to better build up the self-esteem and the friendship knowledge that I built for the future. All of this happened in a relatively short time because I was desperate to find a new avenue.

As an individual with Aspergers, I had to learn about talking to people and understanding others in ways that other people would not understand. For many people, making friends and understanding people is easy. For me, it was and still is a struggle. This is why I am going through some really tough times with the people that I knew and loved. I do mean well, but the fact that I have a hard time understanding people makes it very hard for other people to understand me. They just acted naturally to the things that I thought I was doing right.

Mary also exposed that side of me too. I had to understand that my mental disorder was going to be a very large part of my development and understanding. I had to recognize that I had to ask people to be a little more patient with me and to understand me just as I am trying to understand them. It has not made things easier, but it has given me comfort in knowing that I can be honest with people and that other people can be honest with me. It was through Mary that I learned to be more brutally honest.

I learned many lessons in such a short period of time. I felt as if the things that I suppressed over the course of my time with Shannon came out quickly with Mary. It proved to me that my suppression was real in the end with Shannon. Like the first vision, it seems like all things came to a head and it was going to be one person that would have changed my life and brought me into a new direction. A lot of things that were bad in my life would become worse and I needed a way to get out. Once again, it was through a young lady on which I would attach to and ride out of my old life on.

ENTRY 15: GOOD AND EVIL DEFINED AUGUST 2010

 

Out of all the people that you have in your life, the friends that you make throughout your life will have many positive and negative aspects. It is through your friends and the experiences that you have that make you who you are the most. The friends that you have will give you the most wisdom and knowledge. You do not learn as much from your family as you do through your friends. For all the positive things that your friends give to you, mainly through experience, there are also a lot of bad things that your friends give to you too. I will focus on the bad things that come out of friendships. For all the good that comes out of it, people do not realize for the most part that there are bad things that come out of friendships as well. It is those bad things, however, that make you who you are as well.

Friendships teach you about some of the most important lessons in your life. You will never know what friends will give you. People tend to think of all the positive experiences that they have with their friends and do not think of the lessons that can be learned from each experience. Your friends, no matter how miniscule their experiential influence on your life, will make you into a better person. Your entire life is based around these people that you interact with. Think of all the things that you learned because of the friends that you have and had throughout your life. You are never the same person that you are when a friend comes through your life. I would not be the person that I am today if it was not for the friends that I had and have. Each and every one of them has made me a better person.

The people that you interact with in your life will not be the people that you are with forever. Friends come and go as you mature and your needs change. The people that came and went through my life actually came and went at times that were just right for me and for them, even though I was not in a position to always let them go. As someone who believes that everything happens for a reason, I believe that all the friends I had come and go through my life came through it for a reason as well.

I had many good friends come and go through my life. I do not regret all the people that came through and I do not regret getting rid of them and letting me go. In many cases, it was not about them, it was about me. I want to let the world know that people do not leave your life because of you, it is more about where they are at in their life. There are some people that are ready and there are some people that are not to reach all of your goals.

The thing that I wanted the most up this point in my life would be to have a close relationship with someone. I would not meet someone who wanted the same until far down the road, but as I got closer, I learned about relationships from people who have been in many relationships before my own. The experiences that Shannon and Mary had with relationships exceeded what I had experience in and it was through then that I was able to learn more about the types of relationships that I was good for. I thought that I was a good person for Shannon and Mary, but I will not be at the top of those lists.

It was not until Kelly that I was able to take what I learned in the beginning and apply it to someone who did not have anyone before me come in and treat her in the way that I learned in the past. I was successful for a time, but I was not able to be completely successful and the repercussions from that would change the way that I looked at relationships and the people that I wanted to interact with. It was after that point that I decided to go out on my own and to not be tied to the groups of people that I was involved with. In each of these cases for the first three of the Guardian Angels, the people that were once nice to me became someone that I would not have much interaction with after the end of my friendships with them. They did not become evil to me, but they were not the same after the rise and fall of our friendship. It is something that many people go through in their life with dozens of people.

Why is it the way it is? This is the nature of friendships in the world. You can’t do anything about it. That is the way it is because of the nature of people when they look at those relationships outside the family. Unlike family, they do not form familial bonds because they have no obligation to you. The friends in your life, no matter how close the relationship is, will ever be at the level of the family bond that is sought by “best friends”. The closest friend that one will ever have is one with an individual that would later make the decision to marry you.

The friends that you have now may be those people that you are friends with forever. It is easy to think about that when you are young. Like so many that came before this point, I gained and lost many of my best friends throughout my life as things changed in my life and in the lives of my friends. They did not leave, however, without changing the way I thought about many things in my life in the process. The process of coming and going with the friendships will not end for you, but take advantage of the time that you do have with these friends. You will learn the most about yourself and your life through the friends that you make and lose.

ENTRY 15: BEING GOOD AUGUST 2010

 

Out of all the friends that you lose in life and all the bad things that come to the life of all people, what is the point of living? What is the point of being good? The people that I love in my life and the people that come and go in my life will do so. I will not be able to hold down any friendship. What is the point of all this? What is the reward that I will get for being good? Why should I continue to stay positive in such games of negativity? There are many reasons to rejoice in life.

The reality of life is this: Life is not in your favor. The world and the people of the world want to see you fall. The world does not want you to be happy. The people of the world want you to be as miserable as many of them are. You will be tempted and satisfied by the temporary pleasures of the world. You will be brainwashed and forced into a position against those of your fellow man. You will go through life and you will be tempted to take positions. You will think of yourself all the time and you will not be concerned with the fellow man. You will see no reason to take up the virtues of the world and you will not see the light at the end of the tunnel of life. What, then, is the point of being good and moral?

The rewards for still being good in this world are great. Even though the people of the world want you to think and act in a certain way that is not in line with what I believe in and teach about, it is still worth it to think in such a mindset that would allow you to live a fulfilling life. In general, finding the source of that path and figuring out what you need to do is not hard to find. The Christs and the prophets have either been fully successful or marginally successful in this venture and their stories are easy to find. The hard part is trying to figure out what they meant and to figure out how to go down that path on your own in a successful way. This is why many of the same people told the world that it was hard to follow in this path. It is not easy because it requires you to think in such a way that is against the way in which the world wants you to think.

There are many rewards for being good in this world and in thinking in this way in the world. In the immediate vicinity of your life, you will touch the hearts and minds of those around you and they will start to look for you to be an example for them. You will also think of your own life in a different way through all the people that come into your life and all the experiences that you hold. Being good is not very hard to do, but it is something that requires some sort of conscious effort on your part. It does not take a great amount of time out of your life to do differently, but it does require you to think of the nature of your life in a whole different way. Being good is not a set of doing good deeds, having faith in something, or treating your fellow human being the way you want to be treated. Being good is a state of mind.

I tried to be good for the majority of my life. The one thing that I did consistently was to have this state of mind to have this mindset to be good all the time, no matter what good or bad came to me. I did not always have good times and I tried to be good through them. I made some mistakes through my life and I came out of it a better person every time. I did not succumb to the bad times in my life because I had this mindset to be good even in the worst of times.

Why is it worth it to be good? It is because of you. You are the central person in your life and you are influenced and will influence the people of the world around you. I was consistently good throughout my time on my journey and I showed my time of being good to those that were both good and bad to me. I was not met with positivity, but I stayed positive because of my own merit and my own journey. I always thought of my best interests first and I did not succumb to the things of the world.

The Christs and the prophets explained the journey as the most important thing in their life. We need to think of the journey because it is the primary means of the communication of the Christs to all of us. It is more important than the teachings or the events because they came as a result of the journey that they went down. Every event that they went through in their life was a reaction to an event that happened before in a classic game of action and reaction. It is important for us to understand it because it is something that we do not think about.

Our society does not want to think of the journey. The journey is very important because it is the catalyst of the life of the prophets and the Christs, which is something that we need to strive to emulate. I went through Shannon, Mary, and was on Kelly up to this point. It would be Kelly that would change my life so fully that I would not be the same person if it was not for her influence. To this day, she remains near the top of the list in terms of influence. I stayed positive throughout all of these experiences and I learned about being good as part of a state of mind. It was through this part of my journey that I started to appreciate the journey as it is.