FIRST BOOK OF THE RECORDING
The Books of the Recordings deal with what happened after the first edition of Through Minds’ Eyes. It is concerned with teaching the world new things after the first book came out and the continued development of Ryan Hite after the writing and release of the first book.
It primarily focuses on the development of Ryan Hite through an important time of maturity in his life. It uses the past to dictate the future. It looks at the divine inspiration that Ryan Hite had over the years and describes a type of person that is on his way to discovering the answers. It uses Ryan Hite as an example that all people should strive for, but has not accomplished. It is not that he is in an exalted state. Rather, it is a journey of discovery for the people to come to.
Most of the Book of the Recordings is a summary of what happens after the journey is over at the end of 2013. There are a few stories, however, on the timeline that has been a common theme throughout the book.
ENTRY 69: THE JOURNEY: SHANNON DECEMBER 2013
Shannon came into my life at a critical time in my life. She was the beginning of the journey and she was the one that brought me into the journey that I embarked on for five years of my life. I went through a lot in the year before my journey and life changed for the better as a result of the choices I made before, during, and after my journey had officially started.
The condition from before my journey was hard. I went through two major changes in my life before I decided to change my life and these conditions helped me to decide what I should do. The first major decision was the hard sophomore year of high school that I went through. I made a lot of bad decisions about my life and how I should live it. It affected me and it affected those around me in a negative way. I made some bad decisions and it was all because I was trying to make myself into someone that I was not. The second condition that occurred at the same time was my involvement at the same time with a group at church leading up to my confirmation ceremony. These two conditions would lead to my fate.
There was a third condition, though, in that I fell in love with an individual that would help me to set me on that path and would be the example that I would want to strive for going into the future. Her influence changed my life forever, both in good and in bad ways. I finally realized who she was and how she would help me to find the beginning of my path and I fell in love with her before I would change my life. It was her influence that would help me to change my life and to make my decision.
I made some really hard decisions that would also affect my future and set the foundation for the rest of my journey. The first decisions would involve me leaving the groups that I was involved with previously. I also made some decisions that would cause me to emulate people like her and would help me to start my spiritual life. These decisions continued after my journey with changes that would involve me leaving the life that I had known completely.
She was the beginning of my new life. She was there with me when I decided to change. She was there with me when I went through it all. She tragically left right after that. I was way more interested in her than she was in me. I wanted to be more than friends to her and she didn’t want to be more than friends to me. This would be a pattern that would repeat throughout the years with many other women. At the time, I did not know what I was doing wrong, but I would continue to do so and I would not be able to undo the damage that I did.
She left as soon as I fell completely in love with her. It would be really hard for me and it would affect me for many months of my life. She may have seemed to be a good person and she may have helped out a lot of people. She hung out with the wrong crowd of people, at least which is what I would perceive it to be. This is what I would see as the first conflict in my new life. I would have a large conflict with that group of people in the coming fall semester of 2010. It would be a trying time in my life, but I would be able to get through it. There are many conditions that led to this point in my life.
I would make many poor decisions for a different reason over the summer and fall of 2010 that would drive my friendship with Shannon apart and would cause me more hardship than I imagined it to be. It would be confounded by the fact that I went into another school and I was with a group of people that she associated a lot with. I attempted many times to confront these people and to prove that I was not the person that I was made out to be. I was not a bad person, at least which is what I would want to think. My thought process put me in the good side and her friends on the bad side. It was actually a little more than that.
This was the gravity of the situation. I was not perceived as a bad person. I was just misguided and I was not one to back down from a fight. I knew what I wanted and the universe did not dictate that I would ever be with Shannon. Her destiny in my life was not to be with me, but to be an example for me. She was considered at the time, and still is considered to be, a Guardian Angel just because of that. She was someone who was desirable to me and I needed her not because of the person, but because of the gifts that she possessed. It would be these gifts that I would come to possess.
She had faults of her own, though. She claimed to be a good person and she had these gifts, but she was not the best person in the world. I desired to have her gifts, but I also wanted to be with her and I decided to do what she liked. The people that she hung out with were not the most desirable to me. I still wanted to be with her and I turned out to be no better than I was before. This is what my downfall would be. This is where I failed her and failed myself. I only learned things through the wisdom and the knowledge of others. I would finally be tired of all the things that were said about me. Shannon would also be tired of it. We would both agree that it had to stop.
This would be the signal to the start of the journey. This part of the era would end as soon as I found another young woman who would help me to get over the past and be someone that would help me to embrace the future. She was my foundation, but she would turn out to not be in my life. She would help me to find my spiritual side, but she would also help me in ways that I did not expect. She would provide me with my foundation, but she would also cause me to drag me down with the people that she chose to hung out with and she would help me to realize that there was more wrong with my life than I expected. I did not realize this until the end of 2013.
ENTRY 70: THE JOURNEY: MARY DECEMBER 2013
I was trying to get out of the pain I was going through at the time, and Mary holds a special place in my history as the individual who first taught me that moving on was a good thing and that better things would come along. Although our friendship did not last the longest time, I felt that it was the first of many healthy friendships that I would have. It would be the first time that I was truly humbled and I learned my place in the life of other people. There was not much I could do in the way of forging any kind of relationship, but she held fast and tough. I learned a lot from her during and after my time with her over the course of many years.
I came out of something that was really bad and went into something that I thought was better. It turned out to be a good learning experience for me because of the way I treated her at first. I was suffering from a condition where I thought that I was better than other people and I felt a sense of renewed pride going into the second semester of my junior year. I was getting over Shannon and the first one of the era was behind me. I was looking forward to the future, but I made a big mistake. This mistake would lead me down a different path and it would lead her down a different path as well. This is the first time where I knew that I bettered the life of an individual through my selfless example. Although she, too, had people come and go, I was able to lead by example through the way that I tried to mend a relationship and it was an effort that was later very successful.
Like Shannon, we have known one another for a very long time and she had a history of people coming and going in her life long before I came along. It is probable that she does not think much of me to this day, but it is possible that my influence changed her in some way. I was still relatively new to the whole concept of having someone in my life to influence me, but it was still important for me. I had to get over Shannon and the constant infighting that I was causing among people at the high school. I had to move away from the old crowd and I had to get in line with a new crowd. That new crowd did not get me very far, as I later parted ways naturally. When we parted ways in May, I did not have anyone to replace her for the first time, and for the first time I did not need it. I had a gap because of the fact that my life was changing, much as it has done before and since. I knew that my life would eventually settle in, but I had much to learn before I was able to commit to another person.
It was only after she came and went that I started to question her place in my life and her comparison to previous and future people that I would get involved with. Time and time again, the lessons that I learned from Mary in that time was instrumental in the way that I treat others. The greatest gift she gave me was temperance and knowledge and that caused me to better understand the way I treated people and I learned about my place in the history of the society around me. I knew that I would not have learned this if it was not for her and the way she responded to me after the humility I gained for the first time. It was in that time that I was happy truly for the first time in a long time. I was so happy that I saw the depression that I was experiencing with my time with Shannon. I knew for a long time that I needed a way out and I saw an option that would make everyone happy.
I did not know at the time that she would influence my life in other ways as well. She taught me how to better manage my filters in my life, both during and after my time with her. She would continue to take credit for truly setting me down a path that would ultimately make me happy. The people that came after came and went with much better results. There are always exceptions, but I was no longer at fault for the end of friendships. When a close friend left me, it was either on their end or it was on the end of outside forces, which will be seen in later essays. It would be her that would truly show me how people may treat me in the future. I made a mistake and people retaliated against me for it. I learned that it would only get worse with time. People make mistakes all the time. People will retaliate against you when you make a mistake. You will learn from those mistakes and you will move on.
My time with Mary proved a point for me. I should not think that I am better than anyone else. I should also think to think more highly of myself. I am not always at fault for what happened in my life, but I am responsible for my own happiness and how I choose to react to these things when they happen to me. I also learned about how I should treat people, my place in the world, and that I should always remember that the time I am in now will never be the best time, even if it is the highest point in my life. Mary was not as life changing for me as Shannon was and she was not as life changing as Kelly would be. It seems like she lives in the shadow of those two in terms of bringing true change, but the people that you least expect would change your life will change yor life in the most unexpected ways.
ENTRY 71: THE JOURNEY: KELLY DECEMBER 2013
I met Kelly formally in August of 2010. It was the day after her birthday that we first went out for an entire day. I had known of her previously through my involvement in the Catholic Church and at school in various functions like Cross Country. I thought nothing of her at first because she never really stood out to me as someone unique. Unlike Shannon and Mary, I did not have a past history with her. My family and the families of Shannon and Mary have been very intertwined for a long time, but there was no history with Kelly’s family.
Our history was full of good and bad times. Things were going along normally until issues arose starting in the fall of 2010. Unfortunately, the problems started after I realized that she was one of the best friends I had ever known, and it is something that I hold to this day. The good times initially were short because the bad times were particularly bad, mainly because there was a lot of negative reaction to it. Herr rise and friendship was one of the best ones that I ever had, but her fall and reaction was one of the worst of my life. It was because of her influence that I turned out to be the person I am today. It was her more than anyone that I am now in my current state and believe what I believe.
She came into my life after a long absence of any one person to influence my life. Mary left in May and I went an entire summer without any loves. She came in and immediately filled the void because of her similarities to me and her personality. There were a lot of things that I liked about her and I still admire these qualities today. It was not something that I expected at the time, but I felt that there was hope for me yet. There was no previous influence, so I was able to be more flexible and more communicative to her.
She left my life almost as fast as she came in and I still had strong feelings for her at the time. I found it hard to get over her and it was harder than it was before. Maybe it was because her friendship was a little more genuine. Maybe it was because I still had to interact with her in a variety of functions and saw her almost every day of the week. I don’t know, but her parents did not make my life easier. The reaction to these events would spark reactions that would eventually lead to the point which I am at now.
I was subsequently in trouble with authorities in school, in church, and in a variety of group activities. I was singled out for a variety of things despite granting their wishes. Kelly’s parents did not want me to contact her and I fulfilled that wish. I still missed her and I tried so hard for so many months to not contact her. I was successful but she was always on my mind. It was because of the reactions that I probably met with school counselors and police officers every week about her. It was because of these reactions that I was kicked out of functions at the Catholic Church for a number of months. I felt alienated and alone for a number of months. I didn’t understand why it happened like that but I kept my ground and I got through it. It was hard and it was arduous. I felt as if the world was against me for something that seems foolish now. I did what I was told and I felt like they were out to single handedly destroy me. They were almost successful.
Things eventually died down, but the damage was done. I started to go down a path that would lead me to a place that I could never have conceived of in the beginning. I started to look elsewhere for a group of people to be involved with. It was because of this influence that I eventually found my way to groups at the Ridge Recreation Center, where I worked as a lifeguard at the time, and the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, which is a group that was similar to the Catholic group, but there were key differences that caused me to leave religion altogether a year later.
By the time things died down and things resumed to normal, I was a changed man. I started to question the groups of people that I was involved with before and I started to distance myself from these groups of people. The Catholic group and the school group I associated myself with was slowly being shared with the group of people I worked with and the Mormons. I felt better associating myself with new groups because I felt alienated from the groups that I was with, despite the fact that I was allowed back in at some point in time.
The effects of this young woman upon my life and her family, their entrance, their exit, and their reactions, had a far reaching impact on my life. They were the cause of my distrust for groups that I was in and the search for a new group of people, one of which would change my entire belief system. The incompatibility of Mormonism and Catholicism would pave the way for my final exit from religion. Kelly was the last of an era within the journey. She was the last of the active Catholics that I associated myself with. Every girl I associated myself with after her were active in different Christian branches or not involved at all. My worldview changed and my horizons were broadened. This is why she is called the great confirmer. She helped me to set my path and to confirm the ultimate direction in which I would go down. She also taught me lessons on kindness. Things do not happen in my life because of me all the time. I can be influenced by things that are not my fault. I am not the only one who controls my life, but I am ultimately in control of how I react when things happen to me.
ENTRY 72: THE JOURNEY: AISLYNN DECEMBER 2013
Aislynn would come into my life at a pivotal point in time that would usher me into a new era into my young life. She came in at a critical time in my life and foresaw many things about me that I did not believe until much later. She would also be the impetus for me leaving religion altogether and she would also fulfill what I wanted the most. She was the one that completely changed my desires and my hopes and dreams. She was instrumental in making me into the person that I am today. She is also the only person from this era in my life who remains a friend to me to this day.
I was at a point in time where I was still having a hard time getting over Kelly. At the time, I was just trying to get back into activity in the Catholic Church and I was having a hard time with that too. I was also searching out and investigating Mormonism. All of these factors came together when I happened to get to know Aislynn well, who turned out to be an inactive Mormon at the time. It would be through her that I would start my adventures within the LDS Church.
Speaking of spirituality and religion, she was very against any sort of organized religion. She would tell me many times that I should not get too involved. She was also spiritually interested in what I believed. If anything, it was a testament to true open mindedness and it would also serve as a prediction to what I would one day become myself. She knew me better than any of the other people that I interacted with and she would be the one to inadvertently start me on the path down a road that would eventually lead to my own leaving religion.
She would also be the one to fulfill what I always wanted. Before her, I would go through three very rough friendships and it would cause me a lot of pain over the span of a year and a half. I would have a very hard time trying to get through all the pain that I was going through, both through myself and through other people. After my time with Aislynn, things seemed to lighten up because of the fact that I became a better person coming out and the controversy seemed to die down a little bit.
To that end, I would appreciate the support and I continue to. She remains to this day the standard by which I would judge all future relationships. In that way, she was the pinnacle of what I expected out of a friend and a relationship. Although things did not work out completely for us, there was still a lot that I learned about myself and the way that I handled and set the standards for future relationships and close friendships. It would be something that resonates with me to this day.
I believe that it is important to set standards in your life. You should always know what you look for in a good friend/relationship. Many people in this day and age do not have these standards and they look to what is the best for the moment. Because of this influence, I turned into an individual who was very slow in approaching future friendships and relationships. I remain very shy and cautious to approaching friendships to this day, but the people that I do make friends with and have relationships with are ever more authentic and have become better as I learned more about myself and the way that I approached groups.
The prophets and the Christs did not speak much on relationships, which seems to make sense. For all the good things that do come out of relationships, you should not take them for granted and you have to know that they are temporary in nature. The prophets and the Christs placed a greater emphasis on the individual and the development of the individual. As you become closer to another person, you should never lose sight of your own spirituality and you should continue down your individual spiritual development.
The Christs specifically talked about the unity of the spirit in relationships and marriages. It becomes your responsibility to take care of yourself as much as the relationship. Where most relationships fail is that the people involved in that relationship either do not continue to nurture and develop themselves or the relationship that they are in. Either the individual becomes broken or the relationship becomes broken. You have to look at both and you have to continue to nurture both. It is made easier if the people are compatible beforehand and the relationship is met with some form of understanding of the personality of the other.
Where I went down in all my relationships is that I stopped focusing on my own spiritual development in pursuit of the relationship that I was trying to forge. I became a broken person and the relationship fell apart. I focused too much on rebuilding the relationship over focusing on rebuilding myself. I now focus on the nurturing of myself and I believe that I am always ready to enter into a relationship again. As I come up on the end of the era, I look into how much I learned about relationships and how I used to hold them up to such high standards.
Today, I look at relationships in a good light and in a bad light. I do want to be in a relationship, but I am very selective with who I choose to bring into my life and I am even more selective as to what kinds of people that I let very close. Sometimes it worked and sometimes it did not, but I remain that way to this day and I still have some very high standards as to what kinds of people I want to interact with. The people that I do interact with largely depend on where I am in life, but the people and the standards remain constant.
ENTRY 73: THE JOURNEY: ALAINA DECEMBER 2013
Out of all the people that I met in my life, one of the more unique ones among all the people that I had a relationship with was with Alaina. Through this friendship, I would learn something very unique about my place in my life. At the point that I got to know her, I was starting to become very interested in the LDS Church and I would contemplate as to what my future would be. I met Alaina at a point in my life when I would understand the difference between religion and spirituality. I would also understand some of the positives and negatives that I would see from her, from her religion, and from religion in general.
After the fiasco with Kelly in the Catholic Church, I was seeking a new group of people to be with. I initially started with work, but I needed more of a religious group of people to associate with. At the time, I was in a relationship with Aislynn and I had started to read the Book of Mormon. What drove me to read the Book of Mormon was the fact that I was curious as to what it was and what the meaning of the book was. I was about to make a connection between Aislynn and this part of my life that would lead me to Alaina.
I discovered that Aislynn was an inactive member of the LDS Church and I would actually meet missionaries through her mother, who was an active Mormon. I would see a change in heart as I got to know the Mormons better through their missionaries and I would have more encouragement to increase my interest in the LDS Church. My interest and curiosity led me to increase my activity and I was satisfied with this new direction in life.
I met Alaina through school. I met her in the same month that I would meet Aislynn, but I did not think much of her and she would not think much of me until my interest and activity in the LDS Church increased. I was part of a congregation that I was most comfortable with because it was one where I would be with a bunch of people that I knew. I would make many friends through the LDS Church because I would take an invested interest in their religion. A couple of people stood out to me, but Alaina and I would have a particularly special relationship that would usher me from the past and into the future.
The LDS Church would serve as a bridge for me from the religious part of my life to the spiritual part of my life. I saw the LDS Church as an extension of my beliefs that I already held, but I would have problems with both the LDS Church and the Catholic Church in the end that would cause me to leave both of these religions, but it would also influence my beliefs to this day.
It was not what Alaina had that caused me to learn about the virtue, it was the lack of something that she possessed that would cause me to learn about it. There was no doubt about it in my mind that she was a true friend to me and was a sincere soul from which I would see as a good example today, but I believe that her intentions were misguided. I would be friends with her so fast today if she had the right intentions. She had me fooled for a long time, but it would be the decision I made and her subsequent actions that would lead me to learn to be diligent and would lead to the loss of a friend.
Alaina was a nice person, but she was completely brainwashed into the LDS religion at the time. When I met her, I did not see it fully because I was very much interested in becoming a part of that church and I made plans to be baptized. I learned all that I needed to learn and I became ready to be baptized before I would decide not to join the LDS Church. I told Alaina, of course, still being one of my best friends at the time. The first thing she would do would be to not talk to me again and to cut all contact I would be able to have with her. It was then that I saw just how deep her brainwashing would get. It seemed to be that she would only be my friend because she was trying to entice me to join. I thought that it was authentic at first, but it quickly became apparent to me that it was not what I thought it was. It was because of this that I would question religious friendships and would start to seek friends who were not based on a common religion.
I believe that Kelly said something to me similar to that even earlier than Alaina. One of the reasons that she liked me was because I was a church guy. Would she be my friend if she knew that I was not part of the church anymore? I know that Alaina would not. This is why I started questioning the true intentions of religions and friends who were part of these religious groups. I would learn a lot through my experiences with the LDS Church and with my interactions with Alaina.
I did not fully realize my intuitive spirit until I interacted with Alaina. I would learn about diligence through her lack of diligence and that lack of it I experienced in the past. I never knew that I had this spirit of awareness about me and after my interaction with Alaina, I would use this awareness to think better about my interactions with people and to consciously try to make more authentic friends. I would purposely make better friends who did not share many similarities with me so that I could learn more and would try better to make things work better for the relationships I had. The entry and exit of Alaina from my life would be the turning point in the kinds of friends that I would make.
ENTRY 74: THE JOURNEY: SAMANTHA DECEMBER 2013
I was at a pivotal point in my journey. I had just come from a place that was largely religious and conservative to a city that was relatively liberal and spiritual. I was in a place that was vastly different than I was used to in my life and I was exposed to new ideas and conflicts with my already conflicted mind. I came to Boulder with a plan to join the LDS Church and to decrease my activity among the Catholic Church group. This was because of the state of my involvement in the two groups going into it.
Samantha was a young woman who came from the east coast and had a myriad of problems with her own life. She was the kind of person that I would never have given a second thought to and she was an individual who I would not become friends with, but I did start down that open path when I was in my relationship with Aislynn. Her personality was vastly different from the religious girls that I had relationships with. We met in a place where I was uncomfortable and she was also uncomfortable. We would go through this adjustment at the same time, and in many cases, together.
We met at a pivotal point in each other’s lives. I believe that I influenced her in some way and she was a huge part of who I am today. Although I did not go down the same path that she did, I think that we influenced one another in thinking about our place in the world. I would give her advice and she would give me advice. I would set an example for her and she would set an example for me. In our opposite backgrounds, we really came together and we improved each other’s lives.
I was a conservative valued person coming into a liberal world. The world around me changed completely and I did not want to adapt to that climate. At first, I went down the path that I set for myself prior to coming and I actively went against the world around me. I made a lot of enemies at that time, but I realized my future was with people like the people that and I had to open my mind and adapt. After much pressure, I decided to think about my spirituality and I started to look at and study all things religion.
I would have many people come into my life at the time that influenced my journey and made me into who I am, but four of them would stand out the most to me. Samantha would come to me at a time when I needed a new foundation the most. She would provide me with a great friend, a good foundation, and an influencer in my beliefs. She would provide an example for me as to the way I should act. I did not act in a good way at first and I was very bitter towards others.
Samantha would provide me an example to transition to a more open state. As I would learn more about my spiritual side, she would also learn about her spiritual side. I did not see the full result of it, but I would use it as an inspiration to transition from the point of the foundation of religion to the point of spirituality. Maybe I will return to a religion, but that would be in a better light and I would use it as an enhancement and not as a foundation.
There comes a point in life where the life you live is not enough. We all thirst for something more in life. We all look to a foundation and we all look for an example. It is something that we all look for and that we are all curious about.
My life up to this point was full of ups and downs. I went through a period of searching and I found an avenue through religious groups. I would see religion as a foundation at the point that freshman year came. I was heavily involved in two of them, but I realized that it did not make me into a better person. I thought that it would, but I realized before the end of the year that I was in it for the group and not the traditions.
She would leave my life because I had left the dorms after my freshman year. This happened because she and I would not have to interact much. Although the friendship was on the decline at the time, I did not expect it to get as bad as it did. I wanted to make the friendship continue, but it was not in the best interests of Samantha. I did miss her for a short time, but I realize now that it was the right time for the friendship to end. There was a lot gained in my experiences, but there was a lot that was lost in the process. She was a true friend to me and our friendship at the time was one of the better ones compared to the ones that followed. She remains as the first one not only because of the timing and the part that she played in my spiritual journey, but she would also provide me with a strong foundation going into the future.
I learned a lot on my journey during my freshman year of college and it was because of the people that I interacted with. If things did not get so diverse, I would not have been able to see the diversity for myself. If I did not have the friends and the foundations that I did, I would not turn into the person that I am today. If things did not fall into the right place at the right time in such a way that caused a ton of conflict in my internal life, my internal and external life and experiences would not change at all. I would have been a much different person today if it was not for freshman year and the people that were involved in it.
ENTRY 75: THE JOURNEY: MIRANDA DECEMBER 2013
Out of the four Guardian Angels of Philadelphia, Miranda was the one that influenced me the most. She did the best job at telling me like it was and it was because of her honesty that I was finally able to move on. At the time, I was trying very hard to continue to connect to the four and it was near the end of April that I finally had to break it off. Because I was coming up on the end of my time at the dorms at the time, I had to make a decision to figure out if I could maintain the relationships that I forged over the past year. Miranda made that decision for me and I decided that it would not have been worth it.
At the beginning, my relationship with her was strong. As I learned more from her and matured, we became closer. There came a point, however, where I would not be able to maintain the relationship. As you grow through life, there are just some people that you grow out of because they are not at the level that you expect. Although Miranda was still superior to me in terms of people skills, there came a point where I would not learn anything new from her. We would not be able to maintain and she made it very clear to me at the end of April as the end of my time at the dorms approached. I was sad at first, but I moved on because I was looking forward to the future. There was nothing that I could have done to save the friendship that I had with any of the people that I had friendships with in the dorms.
Like the other three, I did not have very much in common with Miranda. Like myself, however, she was once a Catholic and had fallen away. It was her that I used as an inspiration to seek a greater spirituality and eventually broke away from religion altogether. It was because of her influence that I was able to see the other side of the people that I interacted with. In the past, I did not think much of the people who were not religious at all and I thought highly of the people that were religious. In the beginning of my freshman year of college, I saw and understood that not all religious people were good. I also saw that the people who were not religious were actually good at heart. I saw that in myself and I saw it in other people as well.
When I met Miranda, I was still very saddened by the old state of my life and the fact that I was going into something that I was very unfamiliar with. I was leaving a zone of safety from my point of view, and it was the people in the dorms that helped me to transition into this new phase where I felt truly alone at times. I did not have a go to group and the circle of friends that I had before were not available to me. After I had left the dorms, I was actually without a group for the first time. Sure, I was sad at the time, but I quickly got over it because of the pace that my life was going at the time. I was forging ahead, and it was the influence of all four of the Guardian Angels of Philadelphia at the time that helped me to understand that.
The most that she contributed to the advancement of my life was an example by which I would be able to come to. She was not religious, but she was the kind of person that I strived to become. When I went into the dorms at first, I was thrust into a territory that was unfamiliar to me and I was part of a group of people that I was not used to being around at all. I reacted with anger at first and I was trying to take the moral high road, perhaps too high. I was met with disdain and it would be those same people that would forgive me and take me down a path to be a better person. Samantha was the first of the four because she was the first person that I became really close to and it was through her that I was first exposed to the reality of the kind of people that I long avoided. Miranda was the first person that I saw that I could be like. Because of the lifestyle of Samantha, I could not see myself being like her and I would not like to have emulated her situation. Miranda was a little more stable in terms of how I can see myself down the road. It also helped me when I learned that she used to be like I was up to that time in my life. I could finally see myself going into that era in my life and I took the leap. It would be this transition that inspired me to write down what I learned in the form of a book.
Miranda contributed more to my life than the inspiration for me to take that leap into the ‘post religious era of my life, she contributed a great support system in the transition. I could finally see myself in a position to go beyond the safety of the religious life that I built up. When I finally broke free from it, I found it really easy to leave that old life behind. I discovered more about myself on a spiritual level at the time and it was something that I could not see from a religious point of view. I did not know what I would become when I left religion because I did not have a good example at the time, but it was through Miranda that I was able to put myself in such a position and finally make that leap into the transition. Leaving your old way behind is important, but it is not easy. It is much easier when you are able to see what you could be and that is what I have become.
ENTRY 76: THE JOURNEY: SARAH DECEMBER 2013
Out of the four of the guardian angels of Philadelphia, Sarah was the one who was most down to earth in my viewpoint. After being exposed to the new life through Samantha and seeing myself transitioning into the same position by Miranda, on a religious level at least, Sarah provided the avenue for me to finally leave the old ways behind and to enter into the new era. In addition to doing that, she was the most appreciative of what I gave to her and seemed to understand the best as to what my intentions were. She would eventually leave my life as well, but she would resonate the most because of her lasting kindness.
I met Sarah and became close to her going into the second semester of freshman year of college. She would finally take her place at the top around Valentine’s Day. It would finally allow me to understand that this era in my life would not be dominated by any particular person. For some time before that, I wondered whether Miranda or Samantha was the one that was going to be on top. I was trying to find a single person, but Sarah had finally made the choice clear for me. It was going to be all three, and eventually four.
This raises the question of what Sarah would contribute to my life. When I became close to her, I had already left my time with the Mormons and I was in the process of leaving my time with the Catholics, but had not done so yet. She would contribute the most to my spiritual development because she provided me with an example of true spirituality on a level that appealed the most to me. Her Jewish roots were combined with a form of new spirituality that I would eventually model my entire philosophy on.
Over the course of 2011 as I became more interested in Mormonism, I started to find a way for the two theologies that I had at the time, Mormonism and Catholicism, become a little more compatible. I did not find that it worked out completely and I found some measure of resistance on both sides. I was in a world where you had to choose one or the other. There was no middle way in their world. I set out for the next year to find out what that middle way was and I found it at this time in my life.
Being exposed to these new spiritual movements and theologies that challenged what I thought at the time did something to allow me to explore more and more religions and spiritual movements that would allow me to finally marry the many different types of spiritual movements into something that I used as the foundation of Through Minds Eyes. Sarah would represent for me that marriage of the different theologies and movements. I would be able to have more than one religion and believe in elements of different religions. Just like how I was able to find the positive aspects of Samantha and Miranda in my life, I was able to do the same on a spiritual level.
It is possible to have the best of all worlds on a spiritual level. The religion that works for you should be the one that you follow. If it was not for the nature of religion that allows one person to control millions of people, we would all develop our own religions. The philosophy that I developed and now talk about is not a philosophy or religion that I say is the truth. What my philosophy is would be the best thing for me.
We are on this earth to develop our own spiritual path to the divine. We should not have to completely follow the path of another person and we should not adhere to a strict religion through blind faith. That will lead us to spiritual darkness. I learned about this blind faith through my time with Alaina. Sarah was the opposite of that as an individual who was enveloped in spiritual light. She would help me to bring in my day in the spiritual light. I understood finally why I embraced religion and why I had to leave.
I joined the Catholic Church because I was after an individual. I stayed in the Catholic Church and the group there because of the social aspects and the people that were there. It started with Shannon, continued to Mary, and then on to Kelly. I would be banned and become estranged because of the people there. I was admittedly a bad Catholic and I was not sure that there was ever a time where I believed in it completely. I was much in the same fashion among the Mormons. It was never actually about faith for me, but it was about the social aspects.
I learned my lessons from those days. I did not have to do something that I did not like to do so that I could be part of a group. The Catholic Church group and the LDS Church groups made me into a better person, but I realized later on that I could not be a follower. I left the church groups because I joined them for the wrong reasons. I had to join the groups because I wanted to be a part of the group before I went on to find the people in that group to be friends with. It would only be later in 2013 when that was finally realized for me.
Sarah came and went relatively quickly in my life. She would bring meaning to my life by finally showing my how to break away from religion without breaking away from spirituality. I was able to throw out the bathwater without getting rid of the baby. I was able to marry theologies and spiritual movements that seemed to be at odds with one another. I had to break away from groups that I was involved in for a number of years, but it was worth it in the end.
ENTRY 77: THE JOURNEY: NICOLE DECEMBER 2013
Nicole would not be in my life for very long. She would make a small impact on my life, but she would teach me a very important message and she would also bring together the other three. It was through her that all the parts I learned over the years would come together and I would more fully understand what the reason for their entrance and impact in my life is. In my journey with the Guardian Angel of Philadelphia, I would see it in a way that required four girls to teach me more fully as to what their reason for being in my life is and would help me to get rid of my vice and advance my life spiritually.
Over the course of the past year, I was exposed to some ideas that were foreign to me at the time. By the time the year ended, it was no longer foreign to me. I did not go through it alone, however, and I would have a guide (Samantha), someone to relate to (Miranda), and someone to teach me how to apply it (Sarah), but I still did not know how to connect it together. Nicole would teach me how to connect it together through her example and now it is something that forms the core of what I would teach to others.
Nicole would be the kind of person in my life that would combine all the personalities of the previous three into one person. I would take up a lot from her example and I would turn into someone like her as a result. It was not all the characteristics, but it was the worldview that I just formed at the time that I would get out of her above all else and it would make me into the person that I am today.
I had many of the parts of what I needed to learn on this part of my journey, but I did not know how to apply all of these seemingly separate things into my life. If you are confused about the direction that your life is going, someone will come into your life that will lead you down a path that would improve your position in life and would advance your spiritual and human standing and potential. When I came into my freshman year of college, I never expected things to get to where they were by the end. I would be influenced by people that I never expected to influence me. I went through some hard times and I had to get familiar with a new direction in life, but I would have to make do with the situation that I was placed in and I would make a better life in the end. It is okay to be challenged sometimes and to put your beliefs on the line in the face of something new and unfamiliar because that would be the defining moment in thinking about and figuring out who you are.
I would experience this in my associations with Nicole. Someone would come to the life of every person that would set things straight and would make the path clear to them. This happened to me many times in my life and there would be many people who would define the direction of my life. Nicole would be the completion of my life and time with the spirit of the Guardian Angel of Philadelphia. Samantha, Miranda, and Nicole would provide three important parts of that journey, but I was having a hard time deciding who would rise above the rest. When that didn’t happen, it was made more clear once Nicole came into my life that I would realize that all four of them would take that same honor.
This would be the part in my life when I would begin the end of the journey. Leaving the dorms, I encountered a hard time with the leaving and my new outlook leaving the dorms my freshman year of college would lead me to seek and find a new group of people to be with. This is why it would lead me from the middle of the journey to the end of my journey.
Things did not make sense at all in the beginning. They started to make more sense when some parts of the whole came together. This is why Nicole would be so influential in my short time with her as an influence. She would not have the same personal impact that the others would have in that year, but her impact on my spiritual life would be just as important as the other three. It was perhaps more important because of the way that she came in and the impact that she would have on completing and clearing my direction that I took a chance with. Leaving religion was just as important to me as entering religion. It would be this decision and this transition that would usher me into the twilight of this journey.
Nicole would be a help, but she would leave my life at the same time that the others left my life. She was the one who was not angry with me at the time of the end. I am sure that we would continue to be friends to some capacity if we were around one another. It is not hard to believe that people come into your life at a time in your life to help you when you are vulnerable. The journey would be long during freshman year and I encountered many different people that would shift my views in one way or another. I needed guidance and direction to go forward with in the next phase of my life. Everyone that I encountered freshman year would be people that would leave me after that year, but their impact on my life permeates in my mind to this day.
ENTRY 78: THE JOURNEY: ALISSA DECEMBER 2013
Alissa was in the spirit of the last of the Guardian Angels. She came into my life at another pivotal point in my journey. This was the first time where I knew what I was getting myself into and I knew that I was going to learn something from her. The only problem was that I did not know how I was going to learn what I was going to learn. Alissa taught me many things about my life through her example. When we were together, she talked to me about many things in her life and it was in conflict with her supposed beliefs. I called her out on it and I never heard from her again. She was blind to the truth and she would not understand the hypocrisy of her ways.
She left me for a two-fold reason. It was my fault, but it was also her fault. She claimed to be a “good Christian”, but she did not think in that way and she did not live in a lifestyle that would make me want to believe. I believe that she did church activities for the same reasons that I was doing church activities. I think she did it for the friends and not for the group. She was in the same situation that I was in once upon a time. I was also wrought with pride. In learning about the path to salvation and the elimination of pride, I became prideful because I thought I knew more than she did. I did know more than her in some ways, but she had many qualities that I lacked and she called me out on my hypocrisy also. Our personalities clashed and it was the end of it all. I was angry at her and she was angry at me and that caused the end of the friendship.
I do not know what she thinks of it now, if she thinks of it at all, but I learned a lot about my own pride and how it influenced the way I treated her long after the friendship was gone. Although I wish I could have taken it back now, I realize that I had to go through this and, perhaps, she did too.
Things started out great and then we got to know each other very well. She had an intuition about her where she would call me out on many things and that I could not hide anything from her. I was never good at hiding things, but I was starting to develop this intuition also. We were both seeing the positives and negatives of one another and it also helped me to understand what my intuition would help me do. It was also a point in my life to where I realized that Alissa was part of a group of people who I did not want to associate with anymore. Her background and interests were not in line to where I was thinking. She was a great person, but her group was not appealing to me. I thought about the group before I thought about the person and she did also. I knew that I was too far advanced in my spiritual life to go back and to follow her.
Alissa taught me many things about pride and about how far forward I have gone to my journey up to that point. She also taught me about my strengths and weaknesses as a person through her own strengths and weaknesses. What she lacked in was what my strengths were and what I lacked in were what her strengths were. Although we were attracted to one another through these opposites, it did not work out for me in the end and we exposed the weaknesses of one another. It was not to be at that point.
She claimed to live in a way that was Christian, but she did not do it in practice. I called her out on it because of my extensive knowledge of the religion she claimed to follow in at that point. I went to a service of the group that she claimed to be a part of. She was with a group of people who followed blindly in faith. There was no substance and there was no reason to take the group seriously. It seemed to me that many of the people were there for the social group. It was an experience of looking at a Christian religious service from the outside. I was more advanced spiritually than they and she was at that point. When I called her out on it, she became angry at me. Many important lessons were learned at that point in time.
You need to live in a way that is conducive to what you believe. It is not enough to believe and to have faith in a cause, you need to act on that cause so that you are able to forge your path to a better life and to salvation. There is a difference between having faith and having a belief. She did not have faith in me or holding on to the search for the truth. She had a belief in her friends and her groups as a result of it. My beliefs were a little better, but it was not until after I met her and left her that I would actually have faith in the journey and into the future. I was leaving the comfort of knowing what was next and I was going forward on the journey.
I had an idea as to what lay ahead of me up until I met up with Alissa. I thought that she would be the end of the journey, but I did not fully understand the power of practicing humility until a year later. Pride is the most difficult vice to get rid of in life and it was something that took a long time get over. Once I was able to get rid of this vice and practice this virtue, I was able to complete my journey and learn fully as to what my purpose in life was. Alissa was the beginning of the end and the end of the beginning.
ENTRY 79: THE JOURNEY: SARA DECEMBER 2013
My journey with the main Guardian Angels ended by November of 2012. I was saddened that things did not work out in the way that was intended, but I was looking forward for things to come. Sara did not last very long, but she was important in the critical transition of my journey to the finality of what was the first part of the great spiritual journey. She appeared to me in November and she left in January. The conditions surrounding these events were much different than they were before. I was the primary person to initiate the start of the friendship and I was also the one who ended the friendship. I learned some important lessons during this time and I was the one who was in control for the first time in my life.
Sara had a personality similar to mine. There was nobody like her in my life up to this point. She was not like many other people that I had hung out with before. She and I had similar tastes in styles and in our choices regarding friends. It was not shortly after that when I decided to try this friendship out and see where I would be able to take it. I took the initiative and we became good friends really fast.
The first part of the friendship was a hard one for me. She had other friends, some of which whom were also quite affectionate towards her. I was very jealous for the first time in many years. I remember the time I had with Shannon when she started to date Ben and that was the level of jealousy that I had with some of her more affectionate friends. Although it was quite moving for me, the affection was not romantic in nature. I calmed down after that because it meant that I still had a chance with her.
Luckily, it was close to the end of my first semester of sophomore year and I had a chance to further our friendship. Although I tried many times to ask her out, she was not responding well to my advances. I was at a point in my life where I had no confidence when it came to asking others out and nothing got anywhere. Although the second semester had started, things were not getting better for me. It was at this point that I decided on my own to end the friendship. It was not an easy decision, but I felt like it had to be done for her sake and for my sake. To this day, it is the only friendship I had with one of the Guardian Angels that I ended, not the other way around.
I learned many lessons in these short months when I was with Sara. The first lesson I learned was that I was not above others. I am just as human as I ever was and ever will be. I will not be better than other people despite all the accolades I get and how much more enlightened I become. I will still fall to my human emotions and I will still fall to the ways of the world. I was not completely humble at this point and I was not as good as I claimed to be. I am still in the process of learning to externalize my virtues and to internalize my vices. It is important for all of us to learn control. When we are out of control, we let our animal instincts catch on.
The second important lesson I learned is that I can be in control sometimes. In fact, sometimes you have to be in control of the situation in order to enact any change at all. This was the first time where I felt the most control. I was happy with the situation because the friendship didn’t end on a bad note and I felt like I could maintain some sort of relationship with another person without things going bad.
As it was in the past, I also learned a lot from Sara after the fact. I missed her immensely even though it was me who decided to end the friendship. I was still at the height of my feelings for Sara, though, and the end of the friendship did not come easily for me. I felt almost as bad as I did when my friendship with Kelly broke off. Katie did come shortly after I broke off my friendship with Sara, though, so the after-effects were not nearly as bad.
I went through a lot in that part of my journey in a short time. I learned more fully as to what the cycle was of the friendships that I was making over the years, especially the variety of relationships I have had with the girls over that time. The cycle was relatively easy to spot at this point because my time with Sara was so short. When I was in control primarily, I became aware of the cycle and the parts of the cycle that I went through as a participant for years before. It would help me and continues to help me into the future.
Sara is called the angel of transition. That means that she was the one to help me to understand what I went through in an easier way. It was her who helped me to understand the reason for the girls that came and went in my life. It helped me to think about their place in my life and my place in their life. She also helped me to seal in what I learned throughout the journey, especially in terms of vices and virtues. I did not fully grasp all the virtues despite my knowledge of them. I needed the wisdom that came with experience in order to see it as clearly as one should see it. In order to embrace it, one needs to experience the opposite effects and to realize what the wrong and right paths are. She brought in all the things I learned from the past and then helped me to apply it to the finality that was Katie. After Sara, things were never really the same as they were before. This was the beginning of my own transition from the fake side of me to the real side of me that I embrace today.
ENTRY 80: THE JOURNEY: KATIE DECEMBER 2013
The end of my journey was fast approaching and I was coming to know a young woman named Katie. This was right after the end of my transition and Katie would also provide a catalyst for the completion of this transition from a life of obscurity to a life that I am living now. She would also help me to understand all the things I did wrong in the past and would enable me to understand those things that I did wrong so that I would embrace the future.
I met Katie by chance in January of 2013 and she left in May of 2013. I spent that entire summer waiting for her and thinking about her. Her rise and fall was the last of a dying breed of people in my life. Her influence changed me so much that I embraced a new kind of life after much thought about how I would go about my future. Her result was the life that I live to this day. She was different than all the other women that I liked, yet there were many similarities to those women. She put her twist on it and made me into the person that I am today.
Like others before her, she influenced me while we were friends and after the friendship ended. Her influence taught me about what I had done wrong before, especially with Shannon, Mary, and Kelly. She also taught me about how I should conduct myself going into the future. She also taught me about my journey through the completion of her own journey. We were very similarly thinking people and very forward thinking people. She was at the point in my time from right before I dropped religion entirely, but she knew more than me at the time about how to conduct with those who have differences.
Katie came into my life at a pivotal point. She came in and fulfilled all the things that Sara failed to help me with. Sara and Katie were similar in the way that I conducted my relationship with them, but they operated in my life at different capacities. I was very much in control of this relationship that I had with Katie and I was the one to initiate and end the friendship. She was much more receptive and much more communicative at the time I needed it, and her example helped me to secure the way that I should conduct myself with others going into the future.
Spiritually, she was a dying Catholic. She was at a place that I was at myself in the freshman year of college. I was unafraid of making the change and it is only a matter of time that I believe that she will make the same change. She was also the primary influencer in my life at the point in time when I released my book, which was a life changing event unto itself. She was instrumental in confirming my spiritual past and my spiritual future, since she was at this pivot point herself. I was glad to see that I could have like-minded friends.
Her exit was made more obvious with her trip overseas that lasted the entire summer. I was very saddened that I would never hear from her again after May of 2013. She was instrumental in making that semester one of the best ones yet. Her exit allowed me to think a lot about my life and how I should go forward. Her exit allowed me to have the third vision that would lead me to the place I am at today. Her exit was not the end of her influence. Her influence still resonates with me today.
The influence continued with the coming of the third vision in June 2013. This chain of events would set me off on the “90 days” which ended in August of 2013. It was the events that happened in those days that led me to the place I am at now. I saw that period as a “trial” to see what my life would be like without the focus set on a girl for the first time in a long time. It would continue afterwards because Katie still did not contact me after that time. I would never hear from her again. It was a sign of things to come. It seems as if there was so much going on that I did not need to focus my energy on one girl. The 90 days was a trial to see what my life would continue to be like. I am still living in the conditions of the 90 days, except that I knew that it may be a permanent thing. I took my focus off a girl just as my life picked up as an established author.
It was not that I did not have a heart for women. I still want to be with one, but my life took a different approach and went down a different path as soon as I published my book, which continues to guide me today. It was something that I had to adapt to. It is something that caused me to change the types of people I hung out with and the group of people I chose to associate with. I had to get rid of who I was or what I wanted to be in the past and I had to embrace my life and what it has become. I had to embrace what my passions are and choose to be with those who share that passion in some capacity.
Much like how Shannon was the beginning of the path, Katie became the representative of the end of the path. Those two are very similar in many ways, but their influence on my life was one in the same. It was full circle. Shannon was my primary example and the person I strived to be when I chose to take a new path. Katie would perform the same function as my purpose in life was fulfilled. What I started searching for in Shannon was completed by the time I was with Katie. It was the beginning and the end. It was the first and the last. It was the search and it was the conclusion. It was the seeking of fulfillment and it was the fulfillment of the mission that was presented to me.
ENTRY 81: A GRADUAL CONVERSION JULY 2012
Every single step of my journey has been a journey of gradual conversion to a better person. Over the course of my journey thus far, I went through three major conversion processes that were spurred on by my beliefs. A conversion is normally seen as the change between beliefs. Some are seen as an instant process, but life is all about a gradual conversion of beliefs and attributes from one type of person to another type of person. You are never the same person your entire life. You will go through changes in interests and personalities throughout your life based on your circumstances and life events. People think that the conversion is an instantaneous process, but there are a lot of factors before and after that make the conversion happen.
The first conversion process happened for me in 2009, which was leading up to the first vision that I had. Although the actual event took place on one night, the process leading up to it was a long process where two events simultaneously happened. Both of these events required me to have to make a decision about my life that would eventually change my life forever. The process of going through my Confirmation and the increasing problems at my old school was enough to make me want to change, but the fact that I met who would later be the Guardian Angel of Ephesus and she came into my life sealed my future.
The second conversion came to me when I came to my second vision. I was at another crossroads in my life and three processes happened at the same time that would lead me to yet another decision. The first and most painful process was the fact that the Guardian Angel of Sardis would leave me because I would not become a Mormon. This sudden shift in her opinion of me was very painful for me. The second process was the fact that my time in the Catholic Church had changed because of events in the past and my newfound Mormon belief system. The two systems could not be reconciled with one another and my interest and beliefs in Catholicism waned to the point that I decided to leave after the second vision. The third process was my beginnings to learning about the meaning of spirituality and that was the process that I would be led down after the events of the second vision.
The third conversion came to me when I came to my third vision in 2013. I was at yet another crossroads in my life. I had faced a hard time with having nobody coming to me in my immediate future and I had another decision to make. I was undergoing two processes of my own at the time. The first was the fact that my first book came out and that I was thinking about my future as a public figure. I was also appalled at the fact that I had nobody that came into my life immediately and that I don’t know where my next inspiration would come from. It is a scary experience to not know what the future would hold, but my thinking about the future caused me to understand that life does not fall in place for you all the time. Sometimes, it is okay to not know about the future because that future comes in unexpected ways.
The common thread that came to all of my conversions is that two or more processes came to me at the same time and that it would lead me to make a decision that would change my life for the better. Bad things would happen to me at the same time that good things would happen to me. Every decision I made would come to me because of these processes that came into my life at the same time. Those decisions that came about as a result of these processes would lead to a single event that would signal the change of life. It almost had nothing to do with the people that I interacted with, it had to do with the personal effects of the people and the events of my life. The people that came as a result of my conversions would be the reaction to those actions. They, in turn, would lead to more decisions that I would have to make.
Over the course of my journey, I also had to make many other decisions that would alter the course of my life. The processes would be the same, but the decisions to change were not as dramatic. It would be more of a practical decision and not a spiritual decision. A conversion happens because someone comes upon a change of heart and an event would signify the change in the individual, but that is the nature of life.
All of these processes and the decisions that had to be made basically took up my entire life. Theologians of every religion talk about the gradual conversion process in a religious sense, but I believe that it is so in a practical sense as well. You need to constantly cultivate yourself and constantly try and find ways to improve yourself so that you have an edge in life. I do not know where I would be in life if it was not for the fact that this is a real process. I would have stayed the same and I would have ended up in a much different place. It is fortunate for us that life is a constant change and we need to change so that we can keep up with the pace of life. You should never be satisfied with your current place in life. You need to find ways to improve yourself and you need to understand the processes that define your life so that you can come to a better life through the decisions you make that could change everything. Not all of these processes would be easy for me, but life is never an easy thing to go through. The challenges that you face defines who you are through the decisions that you make.
ENTRY 82: A CITY OF LIGHT AUGUST 2012
Throughout my theology, I talk about the city of light in the wilderness. This is an application to the entirety of my journey as I go through the wilderness many times to enter and spend time in a city that gets progressively better for me in my personal view. I see this as a reflection of my time with each of the guardian angels and how I became a better person out of it each time. What will be the ultimate city of the light? I am not sure because I have yet to enter the ultimate self-actualization of my own life. At this point in my journey, I am still seeking, still wondering about what the future will hold for me.
In the past, the concept of the city of light was used to some capacity to signal the ideal of society. The theologians who used this concept wanted to find something and to create something for people around the world to look up to. As humans, we will never be perfect, but we will always have those certain holy teachers and prophets to look up to in different capacities and in many different lights so that we can be better ourselves. I am always looking to be an example for others. I want to be that city of light in the wilderness in the life of many people. I want to have the capacity to understand people and to be an inspiration for them in their spiritual life.
Who do I look to in my life? I look to the people that have brought me down the path that I am down now. The people that I interact with throughout my life changed the direction of my life. As Alissa left my life, I looked back on the life that I lived so far and wondered greatly about the future. I knew that I was going to go into the wilderness again at that point in my life, but I did not know anything about the city that was to be on the other side of that wilderness.
People have always sought others to look up to. People that I interacted with throughout the years are the people that I looked up to. They brought me through good times and bad times and that led me to more good times and bad times. I would not change any of these experiences, good or bad, because they led me down the path that I am on today. In the wilderness, there are many paths that one must decide to go down. With every experience that I have had, I had to make a choice as a result of these experiences and that led me down one path or another path.
The wilderness is a hard place to be in sometimes. There are many things that I’ve experienced in the good times that led me back into that wilderness. The “cities of light” that I was once in had become dull to me and things did not change and I had made a choice at that point to go into that wilderness. The journey through the wilderness is a hard journey, but it is always worth it in the end to come to that new city of light because it is fresh and better than what it was before. The city of light that I thought I was in before now seems like a dull place for me. I passed by other cities on my journey through the wilderness and I had even thought about going back, but the best way for the individual is to forge ahead. It will bring you down and it will not be easy, but the end of that journey through the wilderness will be worth it.
Back to my own life at this point, I had just left the tenth of many cities of the light that I was in. Alissa up to that point was one of the better people that I was with, but I realized that my time with her was going to go nowhere and I had to venture into the wilderness yet again. The journey through that would bring me to a better person than I was with before. It is an absolutely necessary part of my life to go through that wilderness because it helps me to discover who I really am. If I stayed in that city of light, I would not have gone to the places that I meant to go. If the city of light becomes a dull thing, it is not worth it to remain in that city. That city is no longer an inspiration for you. You have to leave that city and you have to endure the dark to find a better light.
The city of light may seem like a place for people to want to stay in and many people stay in it longer than they need to or should. It is a problem and it is the source of all unhappiness and mistrust in relationships. All the problems that I had in my relationships revolved around the fact that I wanted to stay in the city longer than I should have and it was to the point that the person I looked up to kicked me out of the city of light. In order for me to be successful in my relationships, I had to leave the city of light and enter into the wilderness when the time was right so that I did not stay in longer than I needed to. This realization made it much easier for me to leave relationships when we were both happy with it and enter into the wilderness with a measure of optimism. The wilderness seems like a scary place to be and the city of light seems like a safe place to be, but does that measure of safety make you understand who you really are? I don’t believe so. Especially when you’re young, you have to venture into the wilderness many times in order to understand who you really are and what you really want in life.
ENTRY 83: THE ORDER SEPTEMBER 2012
The four Guardian Angels of Philadelphia are known as the Ordainers. They are the ones who brought forth the idea of the priesthood and why it is important in our lives. A priest is a person authorized to perform the sacred rituals of a religion, especially as a mediatory agent between humans and one or more deities. They also have the authority or power to administer religious rites; in particular, rites of sacrifice to, and propitiation of, a deity or deities. Their office or position is the priesthood, a term which also may apply to such persons collectively. We are all priests and we collectively are all a part of the priesthood.
There is a wide belief in five ministries of the priesthood, all of which existed in times from before the modern age. These five ministries appear in all religions throughout history. The five offices are all associated with the five senses and each of these senses were introduced to me through the four Guardian Angels of Philadelphia, who are Samantha, Miranda, Sarah, and Nicole. The five offices are the apostles, prophets, evangelists, priests, and teachers. These correspond to the five senses of touching, sight, hearing, smell, and taste. They are also divided further into two levels and each of these levels correspond to the humanity and the spirituality natures of mankind.
It was Samantha that taught me about the office of the apostle, which was also the sense of touching. Out of all the people that I was with at that year, she was the most tactful and the most understanding of the four. The office of the apostle in the second level and the bishop in the first level is one of outreach to external places and to get in touch with the community and to be a leader among the people that they watch over. Such was the way that Samantha acted in her life and in her interactions towards me.
It was Miranda that taught me of the office of the prophet, which was also the sense of seeing. She was the one who helped to point me out in the errors of my ways over the year in the dorms and she taught me that I needed to see what I was doing to other people and how I was hurting them. The office of the prophet and the deacon is the one who needs to see the external aspects of the community at large and to communicate information through sight and example. It was something that I was the most unfamiliar with going in and the hardest thing I had to learn going out.
It was Sarah that taught me of the office of the Evangelist, which is also the sense of hearing. It was through her that I learned the most from talking with her. She taught me the most by just being the most open of all the four to me about life. The evangelist in the secondary level and the missionary in the first level has a job to go out and get the community to listen to their messages and to give a message to them. It happens through talking with other people and to listen to their interactions.
It was Nicole that taught me of the office of the priest, which is also the sense of smell. Out of all the people that I learned from, I finally learned of the true nature of the people that I interacted with over the past year and it was through Nicole that I learned to break through their facades. The job of the priest and the high priest is to learn about the struggles and the situations of the people within the community and to break through the mold of the facades that many people turn up. It is the sense of smell that allows us to know what the true nature of people are. When we see what someone is on the inside, we will have better understanding and we will better be able to help someone else.
The last sense and office, which is the office of the teacher in the first level and the administrator of the second level and the sense of taste was actually learned through my own understanding. It was up to me to decide what my tastes were and what appealed to me the most. It was through this year in the dorms that I was able to really understand what kind of people that I wanted to associate myself with. I knew what I wanted the most out of a friend and I sought those kinds of people while relying on my own path. The path that I went down would lead me to people that I would want to associate with.
In addition to the five offices, we need to recognize that there are two different levels to these ministries. We can see the human part of the ministries through our human senses and we can easily access them through our own instincts, but to see the spiritual side will help us to understand who we are and our place in the world that we live in. The second level cannot be achieved until we truly understand those aspects of our life and the nature of the world and the universe around us.
The order of the priesthood is poorly understood in our modern understanding. We are all priests and we are all a part of the priesthood, but we still need guidance to help us to understand certain aspects of our life. We need priests to help us to understand who we are on the inside and we need prophets to help us to understand what we are seeing in our life. We need these people in our life because we are not perfect and we need guidance in certain aspects in order for us to understand all those parts of our life. The purpose of the clergy in our life is to help us to understand those senses that we lack so that we can become a better person, and that is what the Guardian Angels of Philadelphia helped me to understand in my own life and helped me to understand the sense that I truly lost sight of and the sense that I found again through these four.
ENTRY 84: THE FALL OF GOOD AND THE RISE OF EVIL SEPTEMBER 2012
My life has been full of good things and bad things. I have seen the best of the world and I have seen the worst of the world. I have been through all the spectrum of emotions that I could have towards other people. Throughout my journey, I learned of the true nature of mankind and I learned of my actions and reactions. I learned of my own nature and that in order to get to the salvation that is laid out to me, I would have to learn to control those emotions in spite of the world happening around me.
Life will happen to you no matter how you act towards that life. The direction that your life goes down will ultimately depend on how you react to the situations before then. Those reactions will take you down a particular path to more decisions and more events. It is not up to you as to how life will react to the decisions you make, but it will depend partially on your past actions. You alone are accountable for those actions and it will be those actions that will determine your place in the universe and the path to your salvation. It is easy to see in our life, but it is not easy to master.
Learning to control the emotions is something that has been mastered by the Christs. They struggled with it, but it was one of the pinnacles of their ministries while they were on the earth. This resulted in the harmony of their trinities and it also contributed to their statuses as partial gods on earth to the eye of the people around them. The prophets were much less successful and those emotional struggles are the main struggles in each of their stories.
I still struggle with controlling those emotions. I react very emotionally to some events that happen in my life and I still struggle with the reactions when things happen to me. It is not always easy, but the emotions get easier to handle with time and with each event. It is not easy because I am flawed as a human. I started to understand this during this time in my life when I had many conflicting emotions brought on by my interactions with many different kinds of people during my time in the dorms and outside the dorms as my first year of college drew on.
When things happen in my life, I react as any human would. The first step to mastering these emotions is to think outside what you would normally want to do. Life expects you to react in a particular way and then the same actions would be expected to happen to you. That is why people go through many of the same things. We do not seem to learn anything from other people because we do not listen, we just react when the time comes. It is not a fault of our own mindfulness, it is just a part of human nature.
I learned of this human nature as I was going through my freshman year of college. I went through every emotion with the people I interacted with in a very short time. I did not know it, but I reacted almost with thinking and I had almost every type of interaction possible. I reacted to certain events and people differently than I expected to and by the end of the year, I was a much different person because of those decisions brought on by those actions and reactions. At the end of that year, I let life happen to me in a much different way than what I have done in years past.
Good and bad things happen in the lives of the best and the worst people. Life takes no reservations and you will experience good and bad things. You should not let the good things and the bad things get to your heads because those things are temporary in the long life that you will live. All the best things in life are only there for a short time because things in life change. The upside is that the worst things in your life are only around for a short time and that those things will get better and easier to get over.
The best way to get over these things is to tough it out through the bad times and to never take the good things for granted. These are the two emotions and reactions that are the hardest for human beings to get over, myself included. I learned over time and through experiences that this is the key to true happiness, but that brought me to the wall that many people give up on trying to cross. It is not easy, but for many people, it may be necessary to get through life.
Life is not easy. It was never guaranteed to be easy. It is proven in the life of all the people of the world. Even the best of people can go through the worst of times. The most admirable people in the world became who they were because of the bad times. I am more defined by the bad times in my life and not so much the good things in my life. You will learn a lot about yourself and the people around you through the bad things in your life and there is nothing you can do to prevent the bad things from happening.
Throughout the year that I was in the dorms, I had the best of times and the worst of times. I went from one era and into another era. I saw the best of people and I saw the worst of people. I saw the good in the world and I saw the bad of the world. Life will take you through the rise and the fall and it is through this roller coaster of life that defines who we are as individuals. That is definitely the story of my own life and it is what drove me to where I am today and it is guaranteed to continue to drive me.